Taking the scenic route.

Interesting…

So I’ve been thinking a lot lately.  I’ve been fluxuating between pretty extreme emotions.  I’m sure PMSing isn’t helping this at all lol!  But here’s the deal.  Derek left February 21st, and will hopefully be home by July.  Maybe it’s longer than I thought it was, or maybe the time is just genuinely going by more slowly than I expected… But either way… It’s only been 2 and a half weeks since he left, and I already miss him like I haven’t seen him in months.  

Come home soon baby :)

Because I miss him.

(via daviddo)

(via daviddo)

Here again.

I suppose there will always be questions. Things to wonder about, things that are, and will remain unanswered.

I consistently find myself confused about my situation. I hope his intent and his words are true, but I still find myself questioning, wondering. 

I understand the need to have your own life, but when it includes us leading a pseudo-long distance relationship I’m unhappy.

Is that unfair of me? Is that unfair of him? I don’t really know.

Why is it that if he goes out three nights in a particular week I will only see him once. And never out and about, always by ourselves. Why won’t he come inside? Why won’t he meet my parents? Why do plans with me get pushed aside? 

Bros before hoes, maybe. Everyone else before your girlfriend? I don’t know.

I feel cheated, like someone else would try harder for me… Others have. I want him, I want to be with him, but I’m starting to feel like it’s one-sided. I’m unappreciative of the situation.

I suppose it’s unfair for me not to give him space… I know he leads a busy life, but I want more. I’m 21 and I want to do my own thing, but I try not to go anywhere, or do anything that would leave him questioning. Always out with the girls… Or with the gays… Always. He doesn’t offer this luxury to me. He doesn’t offer explanations, something I consider a basic consideration. I feel neglected. 

Does he know that I gave up the one thing I wanted more than anything just to be with him? Because I thought he would be worth it. Does he know that I’m unhappy when he tells me he can’t go out just because there’s the potential of plans with someone else? What the hell does that mean anyway? 

It’s not first come, first serve with me. For me it’s order of importance, it’s where you fall in the proverbial totem pole. With him, I don’t even know. I feel like he’s pushing me away, metaphorically and literally. Why won’t he sleep with me? Does he no longer find me attractive or what? When did I start to blend in with the wall? 

I have a lot of unanswered questions, but one thing I know for sure? At this rate this won’t last long.

When wants and needs coincide…

It seems to be inevitable with me that my needs and wants seem to differ… A lot. 

I’m noticing more and more that while my needs seem to be met with Justin, many of my wants are not. It’s true, he has no idea about any of this, and I’m disinclined to tell him. It’s fairly unlikely that he has any idea that I want to spend more time with him so that I remember why I want to be with him, so that Brad doesn’t occupy my interests again. It’s fairly unlikely that he understands that I’m consistently chased after by boys that I have no interest in, but it’s nice to be chased, to feel wanted… He probably doesn’t realize that I really hate when I have to bend to his schedule, and that it makes me feel like I’m in high school dealing with Christopher all over again… I’m fairly certain that he doesn’t know any of this, and how much it peeves me… How can you consistently tell someone you miss them, but when the opportunity to hang out arises you go chasing after someone else? I don’t care who, it’s just the principle of the matter. I’m consistently annoyed by little things that are turning into big things… I feel like I made a mistake, like a few days of weakness have led to bigger and worse issues. Had I waited it out I’m almost certain that I could have had the relationship that I wanted with Brad, but I chose to go back with Justin even knowing this, I made a conscious decision… I feel like it doesn’t bother him that we don’t see each other, so long as he tells me he misses me on a regular basis. I’m not interested in carrying on a long distance relationship when he only lives a little ways away. I feel neglected, very. And in times like now, I feel unsure about where things are going for us, and whether or not my future includes him.

Derek and his parents.  They make him look tall.  Don’t be fooled by the illusion, he’s 5’6”.

Because my friends are the coolest.